101 Reason I Rule Part 5

I know this is probably getting old and un-funnier but whateves. Welcome to part 5 . Enjoy your stay in part 5 of "101 Reasons I Rule". Good day.

56. Fringe Vest- Are you a cowboy? A biker? No…….Then you probably shouldn’t be wearing them. K Thanks?

57. White Nail Polish- Looks like you’re wearing white out on your nails. It’s gross . Although you don’t see many none old rich biatches.

58. Cyclists- I’ve already ranted about them but FUCK OFF!!!! There are bike paths and laws about driving on the sidewalk for reasons assholes!!!

59. Berkinstocks- Jesus need only apply

60. Pickled Eggs- EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

61. Public Washrooms- EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

62. Arnold Schwarzenegger – He is a bad governor, a bad actor and uhm I don’t know if any of you have noticed this but he has no neck. If my mom taught me one this is was “Never trust a man with no neck”. Plus he is kind of a stalker, He’s always all “Oh I’ll be back” . Oh on you won’t biatch.

63. Gangsta T-shirt Dresses- I always want to put a belt in the middle of their giant t-shirts and then BAM a mo’fuckin dress. In these sexay dresses they can do many things like go to prom, go to cocktail parties, be hookers, and all kinds of other sexy things.

64. Canadian Geese- They vicious mother fucks.

65. White Out- It doesn’t even work. . Well I suppose it does work being that it does white out your mistakes. But then it gets all bumpy and you have ot wait 12 years before you can write anything and it looks gross . I’d rather people just scratch out their mistakes looks more real.

66. Over Analyzing- FUCK OFF DOUCH-ARAM

67. Sybolism – Seriously ass munches say what you mean and mean what you say. I’m down with metaphors but symbolism ugh I hate it!!! And a symbolism just feeds those god damn over analyzers fuck that.

68. Toner Abusers-

69. Tent Dresses- Keep your moo moos to yourself. They are not attractive. I know your trying to rock the 60’s look which hellz yeh is super cool . But hellz no tent dresses are for Twiggy only. Think about and ask yourself What would Snoop do? That has nothing to do with tent dresses but I felt like writing it. And this is my blog and I can say what I want so suck it.

70- Bilingualism – It’s a joke in quebec. It’s only bilingual if you’re French. if your English you can suck on a pair of balls . This place keeps English peeps down. I can’t even make this one a little funny because it really pisses me off.

101 Reasons Why I Rule Parts 3&4

Heres a double feature for you. Two for the price of one. A double whammy. Ladies and gentlemen please gather here.

31. Chewing With Your Mouth Open- Learn some manner. If you’ve just eaten sea food I don’t want to see it as a sea food medley. Keep your foods in your mouth fool.

32. Wolf Memorabilia- Your a snappy dresser with your wolf shirt. Your wolf statue Good Golly Miss Molly that makes you cool. And the wolf tattoo JESUSSSS women must jump you.

33. Dora – Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!!! Fuck you Dora and boots. I will fight you and steal your soul.

34. Diego- go bone Dora.

35. Pink Obsession- OMG I like love pink. Like everything I own has to like be pink. I like pink so much I only shop at the store pink, And I only listen to like Pink. She’s like so cool. Seriously your not 5 years old anymore. Pink should not be the biggest thing in your life and your not a fucking princess.

36. Paris Hilton- Your rich leave the world alone keep your twat to yourself and your sex tapes, and your perfume, and your singing, and your acting. PLEASE!!!!

37. Anorexic Bitches- Eats a Sandwich

38. Bros – I'm talking about those uber "Italian" bros. They can all smoke a poll.

39. Hoes – Keep in your pants lady. No need to put out for everyone and their grandpa.

40. Squirrels- They are vicious and I have the scars to prove it. Makes coats out of them. They’re not as cute as they seem. Damn you Westmont park.

41. A&E Today- What happened to you a&e? We used to be friends. You had such hits as City Confidential, Cold Case Files, American Justice, and Serial Killer Biographies. WHAT HAPPENED????? Now you have such crap as CSI: Miami, Gene Simmons family jewels, Intervention, The Two Coreys, and many other lovely gems.

42. Velvet- I’m not a Vegas show star nor is this the 90’s and I’m not a fucking wizard, so really why wear velvet. I refuse to wear velvet. Black Velvet? Blue Velvet? NEVER

43. WWE- I can’t wrap my head around wrestling. Atleast not WWE wrestling. It seems so homo erotic to me. Especially since they try and make it seem so manly. Sweaty men in spandex getting a little too close…….i don’t know.

44. Church Smell- It creeps me out. Smells like death, deception with a little dash of molestation.

45. Ceramic Knick-Knacks- These are reserved for old ladies only. But not the super cool 8 husbands old ladies or the cat ladies. Just boring ass old ladies. They’re pointless dust collectors.

46. Nessie Doubters- NESSIE LIVES BITCHES. I’LL FIGHT YOU!!!!

47. Obsessively Green People – I know we should all do our part to save the world blah blah blah. I’ve known this forever. So get out of my face biatch, before I knock your teeth out. K Thank?

48. Popsicle Sticks- Seriously the thought of someone biting a Popsicle stick grosses me out so much. I get grossed out anything I think about it. I know its not as bad as I think it is but it still grosses me out to the high length you can possible imagine.

49. Spaghetti Sauce When Sick- Spaghetti sauce commercials when I’m sick are the second most gross thing to me I can’t deal with that makes me want to vom my face off.

50. French Music- I know I should more exceptive of French culture living in Quebec and all. But I can’t. I don’t understand what they’re saying , For all I know they could be all “Hey ,Hey Kill The English Man, That’s What I Say” and I’m obviously not down with killing the English man or woman.

51. Lobster Eaters- Fish are friends not food duders. Cows on the other hand totally not friends neither are chickens.

52. Sock and Sandals- If its cold enough for socks you should not be wearing sandals. I actually just hate sandals. Especially for dudes. It’s so disgusting to me.

53. Sun- Me and Mister Sun we’re not so much best buds. The sun kind of hates my guts. I get sun burns like its nobodies business.

54. Crocs- SO UGLY!!!!!

55. White Pants- I have no legit reason for hating white pants . Except for the fact that they are white pants. They are ugly, get dirty so fast and are gross. Are you a Droog? I’m pretty sure your not , so uhm lose the white pants.

101 Reasons Why I Rule - Part 2

Are you dudes ready for the things that annoy the shit out of me part 2. Even if your not here it is. Enjoy Assholes

16. The Canadian Tire Dude – Fuck him he’s a greedy bastard and I hate him. I know he’s not a real person and is no longer the Canadian Tire dude but still fuck him!!!

17. Metro Hanger Outers – I know I’m blogging so clearly my life is filled with excitement, but I have more of a life then people who hang at the metro unless of course they’re drug dealers, which most of them are . But its still un-cool, hang out in parks and drink 40’s like back in the day assholes!!!

18. NDG Rasta Men – If your not from NDG aka the Dirty Deeg or if you don’t know me you probably don’t understand this. I know I have a big ass but that no excuse to follow me home your bike and ask me to smoke your pole. Does this work often? I think not. Also just because you see me walk by does not mean you can claim me as your wife. IT DOESN’T WORK LIKE THAT!!!! WHERES MY RING BITCH?? HUH? HUH?

19. Seasonal Candy – Why can’t I have Eggies all year round?

20. Reality TV – Just because you’re a washed up celebrity doesn’t mean I care about when or how you eat, screw or shit. Unless you’re Flavor Flaveeeeeeee I don’t want to see you try and find love or any of that shit. Do us all a favor and enjoy your time on the d-list and don’t share it with us!!!!

21. Internet Weirdos – Most of you know what I’m talking about …….. I hope so anyways. Random interweb weirdos who message you and are all hey wanna check out my wang and then you’re all Ewwwww!!! I don’t even wanna see your wang a little bit not even a little.

22. Metro Cop Nazis – just because you have to work for the stm don’t make our lives a living hell. And don’t make 11 year old kids pay full fair because they don’t have their stupid metro cards, fuck!!! You only get those in high school, which an 11 year old kid is not in. Eat a bag of dicks.

23. STM Employees – Did someone shit in all of their corn flakes. Did you kick their puppies and sit on their babies? I know I’m kind of always angry and just a little jaded and my blog seems to of been getting the worst of that. But for realz when I think someone is mean as I do with the STM employees something is seriously wrong. I defend Charles Manson for Christ sake. If I think you’re an asshole like really and truly something is wrong.

24. American Apparel - Their Ads alone annoy the shit out of me. They’re so trendy its sickening AMERICAN APPAREL IS EVERYWHERE!!! They’re clothes look like every fashion faux pas from the 80’s and then some. It’s horrible and makes me want to vomit.

25. Avon Deadbeats - FUCK YOU PAY YOUR BILLS BITCHES….I’LL CUT YOU

26. Weather Retards – If you’ve lived in Montreal for longer then a month you should know its safe to say the weather man is damn dirty liar. Also just because it happens to be -3 for a few days does not mean winter is over. Stop trying to fool yourself and lying to the others around you. Look around you it’s Montreal expect a few more snow storms at least one more. The snow is here until at least the first week of April. Suck it up stop being delusional. You can call it wishful thinking, I call you a retard.

27. The Mall – They are filled with High School Kids , Random Stoppers, Baby doll Shirts & Perfume Abusers. It also has chain stores, bad music, and they are always over crowded.

28. Unattended Children – I understand shopping with kids is hard, as is finding a babysitter. But watch your kids. We the people did not take on the responsibility of parenting this kid you did asshole so fucking watch him or her.

29. Babies at the Movies - Keep your babies at home, unless it’s a children’s movie. Which I never go see. So this obviously would not annoy me if some retards are all hey yeh lets take our baby to go see Pink Flamingos , and then I’m shyeh keep your babies at home they don’t enjoy John Waters classics and chicken sex scenes.

30.Lack of Dental Floss – I love flossing…….I’ve run out. I’m twitching. I need it.

101 Reasons Why I Rule Part 1

I've been reading Crackpot written by well worlds greatest human ever, The man, The Legend John Waters. In Crackpot John Waters had a list on 101 things he hates, Well its not really a list it a chapter and its not written in list form. It's written like a story which is amazing. As to not entirely rip off John Waters I'm going to make mine in the form of a list .So here it is a list of 101 things i hate. 101 reason why I'm bitter. 101 reason why I'm such a bad person. 101 reasons why I'm a bitch.101 reason why i rule...........Drum Roll Please

1. Tom Cruise – Do I really need to explain
2. High School kids – I have one word for you Obnoxious
3. The Telephone – I don’t care about your day, or what you’re doing, or what your kids or dog or spouse or your plant is doing, so don’t call me to tell me. And leave all your other small talk bullshit for someone else.
4. Heavy Breathers – This is creep don’t do it!!! You sound like a sex offender when you do this especially on the phone. So if you’re a heavy breather don’t call me
5. Random Stoppers – those assholes who when your walking, walking, walking, la,la,la and then BAM the mofo stops out of nowhere right in the middle of the sidewalk or the mall to do something stupid that obviously couldn’t wait like talk to their friends they just “oh my god haven’t seen in so long” again like I give a shit.
6. Ice- Hello bruised ass.
7. Babydoll Shirts- Seriously is it your goal in life to look knocked up if your not? Because that’s all these shits do for you no matter how skinny you are.
8. Underage Straight Edge Kid – Your underage asshole you pretty much legally have to be straight edge. You’re not cool. Being straight edge hasn’t been cool since Minor Threat did it……. And then still not that cool
9. Perfume Abusers – Just like Advil when it comes to perfume one is often enough. I’m not talking bottles here we’re talking squirts people. No need to make my nose cry because you can’t shower like the rest of us.
10. Sylvester Stallone – He thinks he’s more hardcore then Chuck Norris meets G.G Allin but really he’s less hardcore then Plastic Patrick meets the Backyardigans.
11. Facebook Applications – Enough said really
12. Taxi Drivers – They drive like maniacs, and are really creepy.
13. CSI: Miami - It’s always on TV and it’s a shitty unrealistic show. And fucking David Caruso stupid lines fuck that noise.
14. Catcher in The Rye – Over rated, Over analyzed & over hyped !!! Fuck you Holden you’re a Phony.!!!
15. Toilet Paper Placement – When the toilet paper is over it really irks me.

You're Fighting For Your Life Inside A Killer.......THRILLER

So here it is people I AM DETERMINED TO LEARN THE THRILLER DANCE.No jokes here peeps. i will master the thriller dance. One day I'll be chillin with Michael Jackson and he'll be like "I bet you can't do the thriller dance" and then i'll be all "Oh no you didn't Michael" and then I'll bust a move and be WAY BETTER at it then him, which will obviously make him cry. I will be victorious and M.J will cry in his Wheaties. This all goes down in the kitchen which is why he is eating Wheaties. Does anyone even eat Wheaties anymore? Do they still make Wheaties? I think they still do. Lets face it though folks he's Michael Jackson even if Wheaties didn't exist anymore he could still get Wheaties, therefore i can still make Michael cry in his Wheaties so suck it. Can't you just picture it now, Me busting a move, Michael crying, Tiger Woods on the Wheaties box its pretty much a party in the kitchen. I'm sorry to inform you but you won't be invited but i will be sure to give you a play by play.Plus it will obviously be on entertainment tonight. Really though guys one day i will master the thriller dance.I'm practicing right now. Watch out Michael Jackson. The Ninja is here you best fear mo'fucka!!!! I'm off to practice my moves.............................PEACE
P.s
Now you too can bust a move .C-C-C-Check it Out

Confession of A Dangerous Mind

Eat it up bitches. I'm going to fess up to something that even one of my best friends just found out about me. I know your probably thinking what could it be something so significant she is well your probably thinking she's because I know you guys think in contractions. Back to what I was say what could be so significant that I'm dedicating a whole blog entry to it. Clearly only terribly significant things merit a blog entry correct? The answer to that question is negatory. Although when I told said best friends this so called secret she acted like it was well kind of a big deal like a horse sitting on a bar stool playing ping pong kind of big deal. Well I might as well get to this "Big Deal". The confession is your friends neighborhood Spiderman (i.e. me) well I can't ride a bike. This is true!! No more pretending to understand the saying "Hey It's Just like Riding a Bike”. Because uhm I don't get that saying guys Hello I can't ride a bike. So stop it please. The upside to me not riding a bike I will never be one of those assholes. Those assholes who when they're downtown on they're Oh so nifty bicycles decide it's a good idea to ride on the sidewalks. That’s shit even pisses me off when it’s not downtown. Seriously FUCK OFF get on the street or find a fucking bike path!!!! And have you ever been in a park and there are two paved paths, one path is the bike path and the other is probably a bike path too but in Westmont park people walk on the other one. Well anyways have you ever been accidentally walking on the bike path and when it’s me it’s not accidentally because i'm an asshole those bike bitches have a shit fit. Shit it’s the fan you'd think you where kicking they're puppy. Nope just walking on the wrong path well then stop driving your bikes on the sidewalk and I’ll stop using your bike path as a sidewalk. I know absolutely now logic there but I hate cyclists who think they own the world they can suck on my chocolate salty balls........of chef you kill me!!!

Shes Got Me Spending

Hey Bitches
so I'm going to get all self centered here because well i want to. I'm going to show you guys a little sumthin, sumthin that I've got!!! I'm not too sure why i keep writing this in the form of a letter but it just came out this way so I'm going to roll with it....good idea? i think so!!! I modeled for George who so far anyone who is reading this blog so far knows so I'm not going to pretend to be cool and act like people i don't actually know are creeping around here because uhm DUH!!! i know you all.....looks like I'm the creep!!! Whatever. Anyways back to what i was saying i modeled for George. When what seems like the beginning of time was actually just in November. I've gotten a few pictures back and I'm going to show them off because well because i want too!!! take that bitches. How ya like them apples? huh?huh?huh?.......thats what i thought!!!






Now whatever I'm not looking for you dudes to be all oh my goodness you look so good!! or oh hey you look like a garbage pale. Either way whatever you think I'm just showing them off because I've never really done anything like this so you know...... check it out. Anytime I say or even write check it out I get that "My Humps" song stuck in my head. From that part in the song where Fergie is all " My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
my hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps (Check it out)"
That stupid song gets stuck in my head for days at a time. Pisses me off stupid song that i hate to love but whatever. On the subject of the Black Eyed Peas , What the fuck happened to them they used to write songs with meaning and now it all My humps and Lets get busy or some shit like that I'm not entirely sure about that last one don't quote me on it or anything. I was just paraphrasing. So this was my “Oh hey I’m all over the places post" which wasn't too all over the place.......just a little bit. Trust me I’ll get more all over the place as I keep rocking out the posts don't you fret my pets!!!
PEACE OUT
Lyndsey