Wednesday, February 27, 2008

101 Reasons Why I Rule - Part 2

Are you dudes ready for the things that annoy the shit out of me part 2. Even if your not here it is. Enjoy Assholes

16. The Canadian Tire Dude – Fuck him he’s a greedy bastard and I hate him. I know he’s not a real person and is no longer the Canadian Tire dude but still fuck him!!!

17. Metro Hanger Outers – I know I’m blogging so clearly my life is filled with excitement, but I have more of a life then people who hang at the metro unless of course they’re drug dealers, which most of them are . But its still un-cool, hang out in parks and drink 40’s like back in the day assholes!!!

18. NDG Rasta Men – If your not from NDG aka the Dirty Deeg or if you don’t know me you probably don’t understand this. I know I have a big ass but that no excuse to follow me home your bike and ask me to smoke your pole. Does this work often? I think not. Also just because you see me walk by does not mean you can claim me as your wife. IT DOESN’T WORK LIKE THAT!!!! WHERES MY RING BITCH?? HUH? HUH?

19. Seasonal Candy – Why can’t I have Eggies all year round?

20. Reality TV – Just because you’re a washed up celebrity doesn’t mean I care about when or how you eat, screw or shit. Unless you’re Flavor Flaveeeeeeee I don’t want to see you try and find love or any of that shit. Do us all a favor and enjoy your time on the d-list and don’t share it with us!!!!

21. Internet Weirdos – Most of you know what I’m talking about …….. I hope so anyways. Random interweb weirdos who message you and are all hey wanna check out my wang and then you’re all Ewwwww!!! I don’t even wanna see your wang a little bit not even a little.

22. Metro Cop Nazis – just because you have to work for the stm don’t make our lives a living hell. And don’t make 11 year old kids pay full fair because they don’t have their stupid metro cards, fuck!!! You only get those in high school, which an 11 year old kid is not in. Eat a bag of dicks.

23. STM Employees – Did someone shit in all of their corn flakes. Did you kick their puppies and sit on their babies? I know I’m kind of always angry and just a little jaded and my blog seems to of been getting the worst of that. But for realz when I think someone is mean as I do with the STM employees something is seriously wrong. I defend Charles Manson for Christ sake. If I think you’re an asshole like really and truly something is wrong.

24. American Apparel - Their Ads alone annoy the shit out of me. They’re so trendy its sickening AMERICAN APPAREL IS EVERYWHERE!!! They’re clothes look like every fashion faux pas from the 80’s and then some. It’s horrible and makes me want to vomit.


26. Weather Retards – If you’ve lived in Montreal for longer then a month you should know its safe to say the weather man is damn dirty liar. Also just because it happens to be -3 for a few days does not mean winter is over. Stop trying to fool yourself and lying to the others around you. Look around you it’s Montreal expect a few more snow storms at least one more. The snow is here until at least the first week of April. Suck it up stop being delusional. You can call it wishful thinking, I call you a retard.

27. The Mall – They are filled with High School Kids , Random Stoppers, Baby doll Shirts & Perfume Abusers. It also has chain stores, bad music, and they are always over crowded.

28. Unattended Children – I understand shopping with kids is hard, as is finding a babysitter. But watch your kids. We the people did not take on the responsibility of parenting this kid you did asshole so fucking watch him or her.

29. Babies at the Movies - Keep your babies at home, unless it’s a children’s movie. Which I never go see. So this obviously would not annoy me if some retards are all hey yeh lets take our baby to go see Pink Flamingos , and then I’m shyeh keep your babies at home they don’t enjoy John Waters classics and chicken sex scenes.

30.Lack of Dental Floss – I love flossing…….I’ve run out. I’m twitching. I need it.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

101 Reasons Why I Rule Part 1

I've been reading Crackpot written by well worlds greatest human ever, The man, The Legend John Waters. In Crackpot John Waters had a list on 101 things he hates, Well its not really a list it a chapter and its not written in list form. It's written like a story which is amazing. As to not entirely rip off John Waters I'm going to make mine in the form of a list .So here it is a list of 101 things i hate. 101 reason why I'm bitter. 101 reason why I'm such a bad person. 101 reasons why I'm a bitch.101 reason why i rule...........Drum Roll Please

  1. Tom Cruise – Do I really need to explain
  2. High School kids – I have one word for you Obnoxious
  3. The Telephone – I don’t care about your day, or what you’re doing, or what your kids or dog or spouse or your plant is doing, so don’t call me to tell me. And leave all your other small talk bullshit for someone else.
  4. Heavy Breathers – This is creep don’t do it!!! You sound like a sex offender when you do this especially on the phone. So if you’re a heavy breather don’t call me
  5. Random Stoppers – those assholes who when your walking, walking, walking, la,la,la and then BAM the mofo stops out of nowhere right in the middle of the sidewalk or the mall to do something stupid that obviously couldn’t wait like talk to their friends they just “oh my god haven’t seen in so long” again like I give a shit.
  6. Ice- Hello bruised ass.
  7. Babydoll Shirts- Seriously is it your goal in life to look knocked up if your not? Because that’s all these shits do for you no matter how skinny you are.
  8. Underage Straight Edge Kid – Your underage asshole you pretty much legally have to be straight edge. You’re not cool. Being straight edge hasn’t been cool since Minor Threat did it……. And then still not that cool
  9. Perfume Abusers – Just like Advil when it comes to perfume one is often enough. I’m not talking bottles here we’re talking squirts people. No need to make my nose cry because you can’t shower like the rest of us.
  10. Sylvester Stallone – He thinks he’s more hardcore then Chuck Norris meets G.G Allin but really he’s less hardcore then Plastic Patrick meets the Backyardigans.
  11. Facebook Applications – Enough said really
  12. Taxi Drivers – They drive like maniacs, and are really creepy.
  13. CSI: Miami - It’s always on TV and it’s a shitty unrealistic show. And fucking David Caruso stupid lines fuck that noise.
  14. Catcher in The Rye – Over rated, Over analyzed & over hyped !!! Fuck you Holden you’re a Phony.!!!
  15. Toilet Paper Placement – When the toilet paper is over it really irks me.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

You're Fighting For Your Life Inside A Killer.......THRILLER

So here it is people I AM DETERMINED TO LEARN THE THRILLER DANCE.No jokes here peeps. i will master the thriller dance. One day I'll be chillin with Michael Jackson and he'll be like "I bet you can't do the thriller dance" and then i'll be all "Oh no you didn't Michael" and then I'll bust a move and be WAY BETTER at it then him, which will obviously make him cry. I will be victorious and M.J will cry in his Wheaties. This all goes down in the kitchen which is why he is eating Wheaties. Does anyone even eat Wheaties anymore? Do they still make Wheaties? I think they still do. Lets face it though folks he's Michael Jackson even if Wheaties didn't exist anymore he could still get Wheaties, therefore i can still make Michael cry in his Wheaties so suck it. Can't you just picture it now, Me busting a move, Michael crying, Tiger Woods on the Wheaties box its pretty much a party in the kitchen. I'm sorry to inform you but you won't be invited but i will be sure to give you a play by play.Plus it will obviously be on entertainment tonight. Really though guys one day i will master the thriller dance.I'm practicing right now. Watch out Michael Jackson. The Ninja is here you best fear mo'fucka!!!! I'm off to practice my moves.............................PEACE
Now you too can bust a move .C-C-C-Check it Out

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Confession of A Dangerous Mind

Eat it up bitches. I'm going to fess up to something that even one of my best friends just found out about me. I know your probably thinking what could it be something so significant she is well your probably thinking she's because I know you guys think in contractions. Back to what I was say what could be so significant that I'm dedicating a whole blog entry to it. Clearly only terribly significant things merit a blog entry correct? The answer to that question is negatory. Although when I told said best friends this so called secret she acted like it was well kind of a big deal like a horse sitting on a bar stool playing ping pong kind of big deal. Well I might as well get to this "Big Deal". The confession is your friends neighborhood Spiderman (i.e. me) well I can't ride a bike. This is true!! No more pretending to understand the saying "Hey It's Just like Riding a Bike”. Because uhm I don't get that saying guys Hello I can't ride a bike. So stop it please. The upside to me not riding a bike I will never be one of those assholes. Those assholes who when they're downtown on they're Oh so nifty bicycles decide it's a good idea to ride on the sidewalks. That’s shit even pisses me off when it’s not downtown. Seriously FUCK OFF get on the street or find a fucking bike path!!!! And have you ever been in a park and there are two paved paths, one path is the bike path and the other is probably a bike path too but in Westmont park people walk on the other one. Well anyways have you ever been accidentally walking on the bike path and when it’s me it’s not accidentally because i'm an asshole those bike bitches have a shit fit. Shit it’s the fan you'd think you where kicking they're puppy. Nope just walking on the wrong path well then stop driving your bikes on the sidewalk and I’ll stop using your bike path as a sidewalk. I know absolutely now logic there but I hate cyclists who think they own the world they can suck on my chocolate salty balls........of chef you kill me!!!

Friday, February 1, 2008

Shes Got Me Spending

Hey Bitches
so I'm going to get all self centered here because well i want to. I'm going to show you guys a little sumthin, sumthin that I've got!!! I'm not too sure why i keep writing this in the form of a letter but it just came out this way so I'm going to roll with it....good idea? i think so!!! I modeled for George who so far anyone who is reading this blog so far knows so I'm not going to pretend to be cool and act like people i don't actually know are creeping around here because uhm DUH!!! i know you all.....looks like I'm the creep!!! Whatever. Anyways back to what i was saying i modeled for George. When what seems like the beginning of time was actually just in November. I've gotten a few pictures back and I'm going to show them off because well because i want too!!! take that bitches. How ya like them apples? huh?huh?huh?.......thats what i thought!!!

Now whatever I'm not looking for you dudes to be all oh my goodness you look so good!! or oh hey you look like a garbage pale. Either way whatever you think I'm just showing them off because I've never really done anything like this so you know...... check it out. Anytime I say or even write check it out I get that "My Humps" song stuck in my head. From that part in the song where Fergie is all " My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
my hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps (Check it out)"
That stupid song gets stuck in my head for days at a time. Pisses me off stupid song that i hate to love but whatever. On the subject of the Black Eyed Peas , What the fuck happened to them they used to write songs with meaning and now it all My humps and Lets get busy or some shit like that I'm not entirely sure about that last one don't quote me on it or anything. I was just paraphrasing. So this was my “Oh hey I’m all over the places post" which wasn't too all over the place.......just a little bit. Trust me I’ll get more all over the place as I keep rocking out the posts don't you fret my pets!!!